For The Child
May 28, 2003

When Love is Not Enough

Congratulations, you have a beautiful adopted child and joined one of the fastest growing segments of the US population: trans-racial families. You have successfully navigated the rough waters of racism, minority families, alternative lifestyles and have come to a bright family future full of love, respect and celebration. You will all live happily ever after, right? Well, yes and no.

Most parents who adopt trans-racially believe that race doesn't matter and that the love they feel for their child will conquer all. Mostly, they are prepared for the curious looks, the invasive questions and even outright criticism. They, like all parents, are willing to be advocates for their children and strive to shield them from unnecessary pain. Parents have the skills to cope with slights, insults and insensitivity and they believe that if they teach their children to be color-blind that their children will remain safe and happy in the world.

While these parents are right in the most loving, spiritual and sensitive ways, being part of a trans-racial family will matter to their children because race matters to other people. Children in trans-racial families may be considered 'different' and may be teased or left out of activities because of it. More importantly, they may feel that their parents-who may not share their ethnicity-can't and don't understand. And, in truth, the children are right. Parents can empathize with their children, but unless they too have faced the realities of racism then this reaction is intellectual while their child's reaction is visceral.

So, what can you do:

1. Acknowledge your child's feelings. If something matters to your child then it matters. Period. And be honest. Acknowledge your own anger that racial and cultural differences can be negative and discuss ways that your child can deal with the situations in a positive manner.
   
   
2. Help your child develop the coping skills that they need. Help build your child's self-esteem. Take every opportunity to praise your child, not only about their physical features, but about their scholastic ability, musical talent; sense of style, even the timber of their voice. Your child's self-esteem is the cloak that they wears in the world. You want it to be strong enough to protect, but not so strong that it doesn't bend.
   
   
3. Celebrate your child's ethnicity: expose your child to other's like him/her. Seek out opportunities to learn and share the uniqueness of your child's culture/race. Offer your child their culture as a buffet and let them choose the elements that interest them the most. A sense of pride and belonging to an ethnic group and chances to be 'the same' rather than different is a great gift to a child in a trans-racial family.
   
   
4. Think of your child's feeling first: when you and your child are confronted with a curious individual asking invasive questions, you must think of your child's reaction before you confront the questioner. If a stranger asks an inappropriate question about your child seek first to protect the child and then neutralize the adult. Consider this scenario: a Caucasian mother and her Asian child are asked, "Where are her real parents?" The quick thinking answer: "I am her real parent, and if you interested in adoption I can recommend some great resources?" This protects the child's privacy and shifts the attention to the adult, who will likely see the inappropriateness of the question and move on. Your child will take their cues from you. You must reinforce what you know to be true-in the above scenario- that you are her parent, that adoption is positive--and that it your child's business with whom he/she discusses their adoption story with.

So, while being part of a trans-racial family may not matter to you, it will matter to your child. Your cues, both verbal and non-verbal will help your child navigate his/her own unique place in the world. As the parent-advocate, it is your job to help your child build the self-esteem necessary to confront instances of racism and discrimination in the most honest and upfront way possible. With any luck, the next generation will be able to respect and celebrate all cultures, choices and abilities. You and your child are important links in the chain.

Let's discuss how you have tackled some of these issues, send comments, suggestions and tips to Forthechild@simpleasthat.com.